A Failure of an Interview
by Chocolate Jam
Summary: BB and Mello obviously don't know what they're up against. Ignore the end of story notes early on. It ends...at the end. XD
1. Chapter 1

A Failure of an Interview

Reporter L: Hooowdy-doody, folks! Looks like you just so happened to stumble upon this fanfiction!

Reporter M: Well nooo duh!

L: Cough, cough, well this is an interview, and--

M: Hey, hey, let me handle the intro.

L: Okaaay...

M: I'm reporter M, or the "Jam" part of "Chocolate Jam."

L: Yep. I'm reporter L, the older sister of M, and I'm obviously the "Chocolate" part of "Chocolate Jam." We're here to--

M: I told you _I _was doing the introduction.

L: Sure, sure. *Clears throat* Anywho, if you're a fan of Beyond Birthday and/or Mello, we're here to ask them some questions!

*Mello and BB enter the room*

M: Are we ready to start?

L: I reckon so!

L: M would like to start us off with a question for both guys here today, so take it away, sis!

M: Alright, this is for BB. How many people have you killed?

BB: Er, I haven't killed _anybody_. Yaaah...no one at all... *nervous laughter*

M: Now for Mello. Mello, how long can you go without chocolate?

Mello: About six or seven minutes. Tops.

L: My turn! *Fangirl squee* Mello, how do you feel about being blonde?

Mello: ...Bitch.

L: Alrighty! BB, you have a black son in Kansas.

BB: What the f***?

L: What nice responses, am I right?

M: Mello. Are you gay with Matt and/or Near?

Mello: Suuuure. Think whatcha want, random fangirl.

M: BB--are YOU gay?

BB: Ain't it obvious?

M: .....

L: Mello, you still haven't answered M's question. *Evil laughter*

Mello: *Sigh* Definitely not Near. He's an ass. AN ASS I TELL YOU. Take THAT you albino sheep!

M: OK...moving on!

L: Right. BB, what's your favorite song?

BB: Getting Away With Murder by Papa Roach.

L: Typical...what about you, Mello-Yello?

Mello: I'm assuming you want me to say something retarded. Am I right?

L: Yes. If you feel like it.

Mello: 'Kay then. My favorite song is Have You Ever Been Mellow? by Spacekats.

M: Of _course_.

L: Your turn, M.

M: Cool. BB, If a dog had strawberry jam stuck on it's butt, would you eat it off it's butt? ....Butt, heehee.

BB: First of all, why does the dog have jam on it's ass again? Second of all....no, I would not.

M: That's no fun.

BB: Well I'm not a very fun character.

M: But you are cute.

L: LIES! EPIC LIES!

M: Mello, how did you even get into the Mafia?

Mello: I did some _things _for some _people_.

L: What _kind _of things?

Mello: THINGS, man, THINGS.

M: I don't wanna know what those _things _are.

L: Hmph, me neither. My turn again! Yay!

M: Did you take any medications this morning that I should know about?

L: I don't have meds, SILLY, I'm just naturally hyper. Now, MELLO-YELLO!

Mello: Would you stop calling me that?

L: No. Shuttup. Why do you look like a chick?

Mello: *To self* Murder is wrong, murder is wrong...

BB: Uh, yeah, sure...

Mello: *Clears throat* What? A guy can't have long hair? You have something against guys with long hair?

L: Not at all!

M: In fact, she has a thing for transvestites...

Mello: I AM NOT A F***ING TRANSIE!

BB: Wait a minute, you're a guy?

Mello: AHHH! *Pulls out gun*

BB: *Pulls out Death Note* Shoot me: I dare you.

Mello: *Eye twitches; puts gun away*

BB: That's what I thought. *Puts Death Note away*

L: Actually, that's all the time we have for today, but if you'd like to ask Mello or BB a couple of questions for chapter two (the last chapter), you may do so!

M: Yeah, some of 'em are fun to read. =3

L: Plus, it's BB and Mello, so their responses should be nice and....colorful. XD

M: And that is all!

L: Yes indeedy! *Crazy laughter*

M: Alright then...

~Temporary Conclusion~

(A/N: In case you're wondering [which you're probably not XD], the way we get our answers is: If L asks a question, M answers it, and vice-versa. If anyone leaves reviews for questions, L will answer Mello's, and M will answer BB's. So anywho, thanks for reading!)


	2. Chapter 2

L: We're back again, and we have a couple people who left reviews! *Huggles them!* Thanks for your questions, and the boys will be glad to answer them for you!

M: First question is for Mello. It's from ZetsubouAi. 'If I must ask, Mello, why exactly do you dislike Near so much?'

Mello: Because he's...er, well, he's... He's a bastard.

L: Lovely answer, Mells, could you elaborate a little, please?

Mello: *sighs* He succeeds me at every freaking thing! Do you know how annoying it is when you're in baking class, and the greatest detective in the WORLD comes in to try your cake, and you lose by ONE freaking point to NEAR?

M: Um...

L: *laughs* Nice. Let's go to the next question! This is for BB, also from ZetsubouAi! What do you think of L?

BB: I think he's smexy.

M: I know, right?

L: He looks just like you, B.

BB: _Exactly_ my point.

L: ...

M: See? That's just how awesome he is! =D

L: Sure. Next question!

M: *rolls eyes* Gee, thanks, Loco Choco.

L: Hey, cute nickname! I like it!

M: Emphasis on "loco." Alrighty, these are from Mikomikokoro, to Mello: 'Where do you get your clothes? And who does your hair? Could I get an autograph? Do you think Matt's cute? What about L? And if Near asked you out, what would you do? Do you realize I'm asking all these questions just to annoy you? Can I have some chocolate?'

L: This person sounds just like me. XD

M: No, you talk more.

L: =P Meanie.

M: *laughs maniacally* 'Kay, Mello, heads up!

Mello: OK... I get most of my clothes from different shops, but my favorite brand is Avanti.

BB: ...Isn't that a women's clothing company?

Mello: Hey, hey! Don't be hatin' because I have a better figure than you!

BB: Okaaaaay then...that was slightly awkward...

Mello: *clears throat* I do my own hair. :) It takes approximately an hour and a half. *sweatdrop* Lots of flippy-maneuvers, I guess. Sure, you can have an autograph!

_To random fan, from Mello_

Sorry, I got a little lazy.

M: A little?

Mello: Shut up, M!

L: I feel your pain, man. M=Annoying.

Mello: Do I think MATT is cute? Er, yeah. I don't think I've said it straight-out yet, and this may shock you, but I'm gay.

M: What a shocker.

L: 'Cause I totally didn't see that coming.

BB: Agreed.

Mello: *sweatdrop* L? Not so much _cute_ as AWESOME. If Near did _what _now?

Near: I hate to intervene, but I must point out that the scenario is _very_ unlikely.

L: *quietly holds lie-detector over head*

Near: Mello does not affect me in any sexual manner.

*Lie detector beeps*

L: HA! Caught you!

Near: ...Uh...

M: Haha! We win!

Mello: ...Near, get outta my spotlight.

Near: Gladly. *leaves*

Mello: If he did that, let's just say he'd experience some very unpleasant things.

BB: Like rape.

Mello: Not like that!

M: Suuuure, Mello.

L: Technically speaking, it isn't rape if it's _wanted_.

Mello: Get off my back, damn it! I don't like Near!

*Lie detector goes off*

Mello: DAMN IT!

L: Heehee!

M: Back to the questions please?

L: Oh, yeah! Poor viewers, we're totally drawing this out more than needed. XD Sorry.

M: I _told _you that you talk a lot!

L+Mello: *mumbles* Shut up...

Mello: Yes, I realize you're trying to annoy me, but it ain't _quite _working. I think the _effect _of these questions is slightly unnerving, however.

L: Yes, and Near will have something to look forward to at the end of our segment.

M: Whooooo...

Mello: Shut the f*** up, Loco Choco!

M: HA! He used my nickname!

L: I knowz! *squee* I love that nickname...

BB: When do I get to talk?

M: Now, if you want.

BB: *waves* Hi, mom!

Mello: Can you have some chocolate? No. XD Eetz MIIIINE!

M: Weirdo...

L: He ain't weird! He's just different!

BB: Yeah, sure. And I'm the Muffin Man.

M: =3

L: *rolls eyes*

M: Next one is from Mikomikokoro again. BB, 'Will you kill someone for me if their initials are "B.B." or "Q.Q."? Is jam actually your favorite food or were you just acting? What's your favorite movie?'

BB: Erm... That depends. Who are you? Actually, jam _is _my favorite food, and no I wasn't acting. The Nightmare Before Christmas, because I like Christmas, because I LIKEY PRESENTS!

L: Niiiice. *cough, wacko, cough!* We're coming close to the end here, and these last ones are from xXDeathGamerXx. For BB. 'Do you LUUURRRRV L Lawliet?

BB: I already said. Scroll up. (Recap: "I think he's smexy.")

M: The next one is for Loco Choco's long-lost brother, Mello. Are you gay? If so, do you really wear dresses like in fanfics and fanart?

Mello: I'm gay. Remember the previous drama with Near? XD Failure.

M: Would you like to sign an epic to that failure?

L: Oh yeah-big time.

Mello: ...Moving on. And people draw me wearing dresses? WTF? When did THAT happen? I DEMAND A LAWYER!

L: *COUGH* One more for B. If you had to choose between beer with jam and blood with fear, which would you choose?

BB: *In weird Austin Powers voice* BEER WITH JAM, BABY!

L: Epic! Yay for Powers! X3

M: To wrap this up-

L: Thanks to the reviewers for the previous chapter! ZetsubouAi, Mikomikokoro and xXDeathGamerXx!

M: I'll add to that !-ness. Thanks!

L: This was the END! So YAY for ending!

M: The poll that was on our profile will-

L: Determine what our next fic will be about.

M: STOP CUTTING ME OFF!

L: This is Mad-M and Loco Choco SIGNING OOOOUT!

M: ...Mad-M?

L: 'Cause you're a meanie.

M: I GET TO BE THE LAST ONE TO TALK, YAY!

L: I DO!

M: NOT! I get to talk last, and it-

_And the camera cuts her off._

~THE ENDZ~ 


	3. Chapter 3

(A/N: "M" is not present, so L is answering all questions.)

L: This is the last chapter of "A Failure of an Interview", by the way.

M: I thought our last one was?

L: It was supposed to be, but I wanted one more, so put a sock in it! ^_^

M: ...

Mello: Really? Another chapter's worth of torture?

BB: For crying out loud...

L: Yes! *fangirl squee* Loco Choco is back on set! So MELLO AND BB WILL SHUT UP NOW, yes?

Mello+BB: *Nods slowly*

M: We actually do have one more review!

L: *Huggles person*

M: And, um... *laughs* I-I'm sorry, L is weirding me out here.

L: Shut up. *Sticks out tongue*

M: In case you were wondering...she's the older sister.

L: Question time! From Samantha James13303!

M: '_BB, What's your favourite colour, why DO you like jam, If you had to choose from losing L or killing A, which one would you choose, and last but not least: can I have a hug?_'

BB: My favorite color is RED like blood. Oh, and jam, too! And I'd choose killing A. I mean, didn't I already do that?

M: Well actually you just helped him commit suicide.

BB: _You _are telling _me _what I did?

L: Get used to it, buddy. OK, question continuation time! '_I hope this isn't too much. Mello, Near or Matt as a boyfriend. Will you french-kiss Matt for me and all the other yaoi fangirls out there PLEASE, I'm begging you! If you do I'll give you 17 chocolate bars and 3 hersheys kisses, (Hopefully you get hersheys kisses from Matt/Near too!) Lastly: Can I have a hug?_'

L: It's actually not too much.

M: Yeah, remember chapter two?

L: Teehee, that was totally fun.

M: Mello's responses were weird.

L: I know! *Laughs* Epicness!

Mello: Matt, for the first one, because I hate Near...

M: He's lying, fangirls. He needs punishment, doesn't he?

Mello: What? I'm not-

L: Do I _have _to give you the whole lie detector flashback?

Mello: *Pales* For the love of God, do _not_!

Near: Yes, please, do not.

Mello: Get your ass outta here, sheep!

Near: *Leaves*

M: Continue, Mello!

Mello: *Clears throat to stall*

L: *Gives Mello evil-eye*

Mello: French kiss...Matt. OK, I guess. Maaaaatt! Get off your lazy nerdy gamer's ass and get in here!

Matt: *Sighs and shuffles in* What the hell, Mells? I almost beat Bowser! I had a bunch of lives left and-

Mello: *French-kisses Matt suggestively while BB, L, and M try not to laugh*

Matt: Whooooah... Didn't see that one coming...

Mello: Omigosh...

L: *Fangirl squee (again)*

M: The mental images!

L: *Laughs* Niiice...

BB: Damn, even _I _felt that one.

Mello: 'Cause I'm just that good.

Matt: Erm... *Walks off stage, rather wobbly*

Mello: Now gimme chocolate! XD

L: Of course, Mello.

M: Greedy, greedy!

Mello: *Sticks tongue out*

L: She also wants to know if she can have a hug.

Mello: *Absorbed in eating newly aquired mound of chocolate*

BB: Hey, transie!

Mello: *Looks up* Hey! Who the -_bleep_- are you callin' transie?

BB: Well, you answered, smart one.

L: That's totally my line.

M: Yeah, but no one cares.

L: *Sniffle* Meanie.

Mello: *Coughs* Well then... Oh, yeah, back to the point! Yes, you can have a hug. *Hugs* Happy birthday!

M: Uh, Mello, it ain't her birthday.

L: Well you don't know that, do you?

M: ...

Mello: XD And that's it, right?

L: That'd be it!

M: Thanks for reading!

L: Thanks a bunch!

~THE ENDZ (for real this time)~


	4. Chapter 4

(A/N: I lied. Another chapter. Ha-ha!)

L: We're here again, with a dare/question from Samantha James 13303 that I just couldn't resist. ^_^

M: Here we go, then! _'Mello, do you think Matt will look at you the same way? If he doesn't, how would you feel?' _

Mello: *Blushes* Uh, I don't know if he will or not. *Nervous laugh* If you count looking at me like I'm a lunatic for the next two weeks, then yes.

L: That's so cuuuute, man!

M: Bleck.

BB: I second that 'bleck.'

L: Whatever, you guys are weird.

Mello: If he continued to look at me so _incredibly weird_... I guess I'd have to beat the sh...crap out of him, that way he knows I'm still _me_.

L: Oh, please! We know you two are totally in love!

BB: Obviously.

M: Duh.

Mello: That's just uncool.

Matt: ...

Mello: Hey, when did you get here?

Matt: The beginning...

Mello: *Another nervous laugh* Oh...

Matt: *Exits awkwardly*

L: She says that BB should keep being himself because he's awesome, and if he were any more awesome, the world would explode.

M: I agree!

BB: Me, too.

Mello: I don't. This guy's just a _backup _L.

BB: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

M: You really shouldn't have done that...

L: Uh... Cameras, stand-by mode, please.

-_-_

Mello: *Handcuffed to BB* I'm NOT doing that!

BB: Me, neither!

L: But she'll give BB and Mello seven jars of jam and seven chocolate bars!

Mello+BB: ...OK!

M: Here we go again. *Rolls eyes*

L: *Watched intently, preparing fangirl squeal*

_Everyone eventually gets to cheering because of the totally hot make-out scene (with handcuffs! *Swirly eyes*) between Mello and BB._

M: Woooow...

L: Dude, that was epic.

M: Mello should be glad Matt didn't see that.

Mello: Ack! He ain't here, is he?

L: *Looks around*

M: Nope, he isn't.

Mello: *Sighs* Good.

L: This one was a little shorter, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway! ^_^ Thanks Samantha James13303! That dare left some rather enjoyable mental images... *Swirly eyes*

M: ...uh...

Mello+BB: *Wipe tongues*

L: Kewl! Anywho, I hope-

M: Yeah, yeah, we don't need your monologue, we just have to get-

*_Camera cuts off again_*


	5. Chapter 5

L: Weeeee haaaaaave a revieeeeeweeeer!

M: We have a reviewer? Is that what you just said?

L: YES DUMMY!

M: Talk normally so I can hear you!

L: INFIDEL! *cough, cough* OK, in today's "episode," we will be answering questions, as usual, but-

BB: But what? I didn't sign up for this!

Mello: Is it something that'll make us want to kill ourselves?

M: Maybe.

L: Probably.

BB+Mello: T-T

L: Muahaha! =D

M: This oughta be good...

L: First, we'll answer questions!

_M: '__Ooh, yay! Is this still going on?_._'_

_Anyways, I was going to bring Mello a Near plushie, but then I thought that he might like a Matt plushie better, so I cut both plushies to little pieces and then sewed them together! So now I give you... A Neatt plushie with a striped shirt, white pants, goggles, no shoes, and very mutilated and ugly face because I can't sew! Here you go! :D_

_I don't have anything as cool for Beyond. Sorreh! All I have to give you is this detective guy I kidnapped. I think his name was Ryuuga Hideki..? Whatever._

_Anyways, it's question time!_

_Mello: What would you do if Matt stole all your chocolate and gave it to Near? Do you like your Neatt plushie?_

_BB: Do you want this jam? If so, too bad, because I just ate it. Um, do you want this Wara Ningyo- Oh, sorry. I set it on fire. Um... I can't think of anything to ask you now_

L: That was from the infamous Mikomikokoro!

Mello: Ha-ha, kewl plushie. I _have _to show this to Matt. XD He'll wonder what it is, and I'm gonna tell him it's what his child looks like after he slept with Near.

M: O.o

L: Clever, Mello...

BB: Shit, man. I thought _I _was wacked up.

L: XD Fail.

M: That would be funny to see, though.

L: Hilarious. Let's go watch...

~_In Matt's room_~

Mello: Hey, Mattio?

Matt: *Grunts and continues to play with DS*

Mello: MATT!

Matt: _Ahhh! _*Fumbles with DS and drops it*

Mello: *Evil laugh*

Matt: :(

Mello: Check this out!

Matt: *Sees doll* ...What is that?

Mello: It's what your child looks like after you slept with Near.

Matt: OMFG! WTF?

L: *Laughs maniacally*

~_Away from Matt's room_~

Mello: XD I love this freakin' doll, man.

L: OK, moving on.

M: Yes.

Ryuuga: ...Wh m e hr?

BB: What?

L: His mouth is duct-taped, genius.

BB: Sweet! *Evil grin* Come on, Ryuuga, let's go have a 'tea party' with some of my good friends: Namely dagger and sword. *Drags Ryuuga off*

Ryuuga: MKANFIHEFUBUBIUBGFSWB!

M: There's probably going to be attempted rape.

L: Scratch out 'probably' and replace it with 'definitely'.

Mello: Alrighty then... If Matt stole all my chocolate, I'd make him buy me more, and if he gave it to NEAR, I'd probably do something terrible to him so he'd never do it again.

L+M: Like rape!

Mello: OMFG not that again! Ignore them. *Puppy dog eyes*

M: Don't listen to him!

L: *Hypnotized*

M: Crap.

Mello: Yes, I like the plushie. I can torture Matt with it. :D

L: *Snaps out of daze* Shame on you, Mello-Yello.

M: Shame.

Mello: *Sticks tongue out*

BB: *Comes back into room*

Everyone: ...

BB: What?

L: Nothing, nothing...

BB: *Reads questions* :( No jam?

M+L: *Laughs*

L: Fail... CRAP!

M: What?

L: I just lost The Game.

M+BB+Mello: DAMN IT!

L: Muahahaha!

M: Ugh. Well, I guess that's all we have time for today.

Mello: Let's find some questions for BB, I wanna see him get tortured. *Evil laughter again*

L: Yessss.

M+BB: ...

L: Byez! And, like it says in the summary, ignore the 'The End' crud in earlier chapters. M and I are working on a Death Note/Naruto crossover, so we're still doing this...kind of to stall. Plus, it's fun. XD

Mello: I think this is the end.

BB: Yes. Please.

M: Diddo.

L: WAIT!

Everyone: *Groans*

L: Remember the surprise?

M: Oh, yeah!

Mello+BB: *Exchange nervous glances*

L: *Puts DVD into DVD player*

M: *Covers eyes*

L: *Plugs ears*

_I love you! You love me! We're a happy fa-mi-ly. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you..._

Mello+BB: BARNEY! NOOOOOO!

BB: Turn it oooooooff!

Mello: Ohmygawdmakeitstop!

L+M: *Laughs*

L: Alrighty, THAT was this chapter's end!

_Won't you say you love me, too?_

L+M: O.o

~Temporary Conclusion~


	6. TEH LAST CHAPTAH!

L: Okie-dokie, this is FINALLY the end!

M: Aw...

L: Well, this is the end because M and I have finally gotten another fic started. *Laughs* THAT took a while.

M: Oh, yeah! It's a Naruto/Death Note crossover!

L: Be on the lookout! ...If you care. *Laughs again*

M: Yes. *Rolls eyes at sister* But we have ONE last dare to complete! :D

L: Yes! From LJbloodangel.

Mello: OMIGAWSH! *Squeals very gaily as he takes chocolate*

BB: *Emotionless yay*

M: Oh, he knows he loves it! ^^

L: It's true. XD

M: Hey, L, you get something...

L: REALLY? *Squees*

M: Um, I believe it was meant for the REAL L.

L: Aw...

REAL L: Yay! Cake!

L: *Gives REAL L puppy-dog eyes*

REAL L: *Sighs and gives tiny slice o' cake*

L: YAY! :D

M: *Sighs* Questions, L, QUESTIONS.

L: *Through mouthful o' cake* Oh, yeah...

M: For Mello: Do you wear real leather, or fake?

Mello: *Smirks triumphantly* REAL, baby!

Matt: Out of curiosity, Mells, how do you...ya know...FIT anything in those?

Mello: WHY YOU LITTLE BASTARD RUNT MOTHA-

L: *COUGHS LOUDLY*

Mello: Oops. *Nervous laugh*

BB: Well, Matt, shouldn't you already know?

Matt: *Blushes and walks off stage*

M: How was the cake, L?

L+REAL L: Delicious! :D

L: *Cough* For BB: Did you kill A?

BB: Not exactly... I helped him commit suicide.

M: On a chandelier! :D

L: Yah, thanks Miss Know-It-All

M: *Sticks tongue out*

L: Isn't that...killing him, basically?

BB: No! *Nervous laugh* Next question.

M: Do you love anything besides jam, weapons, or killing people?

BB: L.

L: Aw, than-

BB+M: Not you.

L: *Pouty face*

M: Haha.

L: :( Meaners.

M: Isn't that off Barnyard?

L: Why yes. Yes it is.

M: OK, that's the official END!

L: Well, I have ONE thing to do.

BB+Mello+M: ?

L: This is dedicated to ALL the fangirls out there! :D

BB+Mello: *Gulp*

L: MELLO AND BB ARE GONNA TAKE THEIR SHIRTS OFF!

M+L: :D

Mello: Oh, OK. *Sighs in relief and TAKES SHIRT OFF*

BB: *Takes shirt off*

L: WIN!

M: YESS!

L: And THAT, my fanfiction friends/fangirls, is THE END!

M: BYE!

BB: See ya later, SUCKAS! *Dances off singing "I'm Too Sexy"*

Mello: Ciao! Thanks for all the chocolate! *Runs away mumbling: "THANK GOD IT'S OVER!"*

L+M: *Waves awkwardly*


End file.
